Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in lrdfalcon's LiveJournal:

Monday, July 5th, 2004
1:04 pm	Missing Amy supplemental just wanted to add, after a long walk, thinkin about her, that I really had wished that I could have found one of b friens to take me out there Current Mood: melancholy Current Music: Ballads (Comment on this)
9:42 am	My kaza girl well its been 5 days since I have chatted with my girl online, i have spoken to her once on the phone and I am happy for that. This is really beggining to take its toll on me. I miss her. Current Mood: melancholy Current Music: Ballads (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 1st, 2004
10:35 pm	7-1 Well I havent much to say tonight, Im sitting here waiting for my kaza girl to log on, its 1035 and I havent talked to her in two days. dorei and I had a long talk yesterday, concerning her protecting me, I explained to her that she needs to stop and let me stand on my feet and deal with these issues myself for a change, and that even means when it comes to when she "PERCIVES" amy doing something that isnt actually there. I appreciate the love that she exhibits when she does defend me, but she doesnt have to defend me from amy, there is no menaceing acts comeing from amy, she just wants me to take control of her life to the level she needs. Im working up to that task, Not making any more excuses like Its not going to be over night, Its going to take some time to get comfortable, sheesh its been almost 6 months, I am comfortable and things are turning for the best. As for amys concern about things that go on here that she feels do not happen with her. I have made a concious effort to start doign things with her when she is in and make time to spend with her even on a single night out. This Is somethign that I hadnt taken into consideration, I always assumed that she would not have these feeligns since seh didnt live with me, I never seemed to look at our relationship as needing nurturing, needing fuel to grow. by that I mean dates, time out together alone, and knowing from this that dorie will not be angry, I know she wont, she has stated that many times. I have every intention to begin doign these things with her. I suppos that is why I have been pushing for this van issue. I Hope that this and my renewed effort to tell them both everything that I intend to do as I intend to do it. Will rebuild the trust between the three of us. I am beginning to worry a bit about her, I hope she is well. Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: None (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 29th, 2004
7:29 am	6-29 Well it is 730 and im sitting here completely loosing my mind, I have to be in court today and I am scared shitless, It is for a stupid ticket I recieved for the camper but what has me scared is the fact that It has taken me longer to pay my fines than the judge had allowed me. dorei says that she made contact with the courts to tell them I would be making my payments beyond the date but still in the back of my mind I fear them still arresting me for failure to comply with the courts order. It is goign to be a very stressfull morning I can feel it already. My stomach is in total nots and I feel sick to my stomach. I hope and pray that I will not be arrested as I Cannot deal with that ever again. sorry it is not in my nature. I have been making payments to the courts on my fines for the checks, but every time they are brought up I get angry because I had not written them and I am the one who is paying the price for the action. I will go to court this morning, I will tell the judge why I wasnt there the last time, and hope to god he will fine me for the camper and send me on my way and when I sign the paper work for the fine that there will be no cops coming out with any warrents for my arrest. I have some hope that this will be true as i have been face to face with a few cops in the mean time but the last time i was arrested the same thing had happened, Cops had been to our door a dozen or so times for b but never was anything mentioned bout any warrents for me, then BAM I walk into the court to pay her fines and I get arrested for 5 warrants. Keep your fingers crossed. say a few prayers for me. and above all be there for me if I need you. Current Mood: scared (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 28th, 2004
8:08 pm	Where I am today Well It has been a little over six years since my mother died, and I have come to believe that in placeing dorie in my mothers place I allowed alot of things that I expected and commanded to slip, I can sit back and remember a time when Things were Strict D/s, when My House was one of respect, given by all who entered, how others knew what was expected and I would settle for nothing less. I gave repsect and was given it in return. I can remember when I didnt care what others thought and dorei was expected to behave in a manner befitting me, This was also extended to other slave who entered our lives, weather in a poly or just as freinds visiting me. That was the True House Of Falcon. Not this wanna be House I was pretending to run now. But in the last few days I have seen the wrongness of my ways. The fact that I have run off course. The fact that I am not only letting them down, but letting myself down and I am better than that. In this stead I am going to sit down and write out a new set of house rules and will share them with who ever I feel may enter this house. They will be understood and abided by. without fail or question, for the payment will be swift and just. These rules will be simple yet strict, no flexiblity in any way, I can feel myself remembering things, remembering Myself, remembering how it used to be. Current Mood: determined (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, June 26th, 2004
9:12 pm	6-26-04 Well I have just gotten back from a walk with dorei and she has asked me why I have been so quiet the last few days, I told her it was because of what we talked about. I told her im not even sure how to feel, I feel angry, bewildered, disallusioned, guilty, hurt, to name a few. This has taken a big toll on me and I am prepared to face this head on. The earliest memory I have is of walking through an alley way with my mother and brother mike. I remember the beige brick walls, the large opening that was sided by a house on the left and a u store facility on the right creating a topless doorway. My mother pointing to a house when we asked her where we were going and her telling us, to see your grandmother, I was about 4-5 at the time, Im not sure why I dont remember my grandmother before that, nanny was a big part of my life and I was very hurt by her death, more on that at a later entry. Well I will post a new memory as they come to me and Hopefully will be able to put some order to this as I have made no bones that I do not remember much of my childhood. Current Mood: thoughtful (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, June 25th, 2004
10:18 pm	6-25-04 Well I have been thinking long and hard about what has been said regaurding my issue with my mother and dorei. I had to go to court yesterday for bianca and when they mentioned AA it hurt, The mere mention of the word made me emotional, the memories it brought to the surface reminded me of how I had been treating dorei these last few years, and how I have been treating the kids although not as severly as dorei. I have taken the time to explain the situation to kaza, for I love her and she is entitled to know. I think I will spend some time looking back and go as far back as I can remember and start to write these things down and see what happens, as I know that there are some major blanks in my childhood memories. Later on that tomorrow. Current Mood: hopeful (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 22nd, 2004
8:41 pm	what I just did OMFG, I cannot belive what I just did, I totally made her feel so unimportant, we were talking about how she felt, about how she wasnt sure how to talk to kaza and I was quoting my email and kazas email and she said and what about what I wrote and without even thinking I said what did you write. OMFG what did I just do. I am such a fucking idiot. I hurt her so bad with one single sentence, I made her feel worth less than the dirt under my feet, I dont blame her for locking herself in the bedroom and not wanting to talk to me, I dont even want to look at myself in the mirror. Current Mood: disappointed (Comment on this)
5:04 pm	Self inspection well today was a very intresting day, There was and has been some tension between dorei and kaza, centering around doreis comment on kaza and I haveing an affair. I went to dorei to discuss this and after we talked about It I came to a realization, dorei told me that the reason she always mentioned me going to be with another person was because everytime things go haywire, I accuse her of not loving me. this lead me to finally admit to myself that She cant love me enough, my accusations are merely my way of easing a pain I feel deep inside me. There is a place inside of each of us reserved for Love, love given to us by other people. Be it Mothers, Fathers, Daughters, Sons, Husbands, or Wives, Boyfreinds or Girlfreinds. we each have a place to put the love we get. Each of us except me. My Place is a black void. It is endless. It is all consumeing. It devours all love and looks for more to feed its endless hunger. I have painfully looked at myself and realized that it was started Long Ago when My mother was alive and I was but a mere child. She drank, She partied, She was a single parent. She was always more concerned with her freinds and lovers than with myself and my brother. She rarely told me she loved me. Never threw me Birthday parties. Was never in attendence at my school functions, or when I made an attempt to play Pop Warner Football. I grew up with a mother who was more concerned about Alcohol than making sure She showed her children she loved them.It is even to the point that I resent and Hate dorei, in that she loves her children, and gives them all she has, that she would move heaven and earth for them, and yes unfortunately those feelings will be ladened onto kaza as time moves on for she as well loves her children. as a Mother should, all mothers do except mine didnt. I was a mere burden to her. An obstical in her way. Even when she stopped drinking, AA had become more important to her than even I. the only saving grace was that she attended my graduation, but was not given a party, or even a gift, just a hug and I love you. I grew up being told I was less than important. that I was the reason my father left us. I Began to develope a demon inside that consumes love given to me and doesnt believe it to be sincere. I have never fully trusted anyone I do what I can, It takes a great deal of effort to stop the thoughts that Flood my mind when Im alone, thoughs of infidelity, thoughts of betrayal, Thoughts of abandonment. I eventually start to mistrust what people told me, and these thoughts always manifested themselves in ways that had actually forced me to push others away, I tell people that I dont need freinds, That If I know someones last name I know them to well, I never had a serious Lifelong freind because I would start to mistrust thier actions. So after 15 years of being told that she doesnt love me when things start to get hairy, dorei has finally began to belive that if she doesnet and isnt enough maybe "That person" by this I mean even when we are not involved in a poly she has told me to go Find someone who can give me what I need or the person we are with is. Hence she tells me to go to them. And then she starts to pull away which if we are involved with someone as we are now, that person thinks she is angry or doesnt care. I have seen now that when dorei says You dont care for him it is her way of proving to me or to herself that I am wrong in that she isnt enough. I take all the love I can get and it never appeases the beast inside me, it is something that Will never go away, which is one of the reasons for the venture into Poly, I had thought to myself that if I had two women to love me at the same time, that the void would fill a bit more than usual. But I was wrong, it just consumed the love given me faster, the more it is fed the faster it eats. I know deep in my heart that I am loved beyond hope, by both kaza and dorei. But due to dories proximity she takes the brunt of it. Her pushing me to do something to kaza when I feel she has broken a rule is simply her way of assisting me in making it past the obstical that I have alreay made known. Her accusations are based on my telling her for years that she doenst love me or care about me. She has told me that yes she did do some calculating and took some risks to be with me. but I know she didnt steal me, I moved in and out of my ex wifes house more times than I cared to, seven in all. Does kaza have a right to feel her trust issues are in need of rebuilding yes, does she have the right to feel comfortable when she talks to me alone or when I visit her alone that things will not blow up, Yes. Have I allowed dorei to top me from the bottom or just plain ole top me, Yes for the most part. but I had made it quite clear that I am putting that to an end. We had talked about that, I have made it clear that she is not to interject into the issues between kaza and I when it comes to things like kazas punishments, or who she answers to. But you both need to realize that most of the issues at hand are with in me, not each other. You both love me, This I know. And Accept it and is quite honored about it. I have demons That I need to face and talk out, I have decided to use this journal as a forum to do it. Although I think that the site will run out of room before i am even a quarter of the way through my life. I love you both, With all I have, and there is a great place in my heart, Albiet it is almost always empty to recieve the love you both have to give me. as long as you both dont care and continue to feed it, it will always willing accept your offer. Do not take what I have typed here as an attack or an admittance of surrender, it is simply a way for all involved to understand some of the reasons that some issues have repeatedly arisen. Current Mood: scared Current Music: None, (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 6th, 2004
8:51 pm	Today was Our anniversary and Our Good Bye Dear Journal Today was a double fucking whammy, Today was our 4 month anniversary and the end of our relationship. I had no choice but to give kaza her freedom, she needs and deserves to be happier than she is. I love her, I always will, I know she is now getting angry with locket for the loss she has suffered, but I had to do the honorable thing. I had to offer her, her release, It is going to kill me, I lost the only other person I have ever loved as deeply as I did kaza. I hope she can find happiness in her life, she so deserves it. I so wanted to be the one to give it to her, Wanted to be the one she grew old with and loved till her last days. I failed her miserably, I failed her and Her kids, they were so growing attached to us and us to them, I was beginning to feel as they were mine. I have never felt the connection I feel with kaza with any other besides locket. I can see her gettng angry and hope she doesnt do anything that will get her hurt, or in trouble. I cant tell her I love you any more, I cant call her My slave any more, I cant even say Hi My girl any more. I will miss her kneeling by my side in channel, I will miss her Hello Masters when she logs on, I will miss her smiling face when I come home in the afternoons. I will never agian see her sleeping peacefully in my bed, I will never again be able to worry that she is eating properly or getting enough excersize to loose the weight she wants to. I will miss these things more than I can even begin to explain. I will long to hold her, to sit up at night and talk while I rub her legs, I will sleep at night in the future wondering who she is with and hoping that he is keeping her happy. I will lay awake at night wondering how she is being treated if she ever finds anyone worthy of her love as I was. I had a gift, I had something so precious and it was destroyed because I didnt have enough balls to correct the problem at the very beginning, I didnt make any attempt to fix the issues that were brought to my attention because I was lazy. I no longer have what I long for. I no longer have what I loved. your touch, your caress, your love. I lost it and have done so for ever. I deserve to live the rest of my life in misery and lonelieness for I walked all over your gift and took it for granted that it woudl be there forever. Current Mood: angry Current Music: Total Eclipes of the Heart (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 29th, 2004
4:33 pm	Talked with my slave well I came home from work and waited for kaza, when she logged on we chatted for a while, I took a moment to confirm that she had a chance to tell me everything she wanted to about her research into ageplay, she did. I asked her how she was feeling and she replied "Okay" I had to remind her to use the Term Master, every time seh does that Im not sure what to feel, she states its because of her feeling tense about the "conversation" between her and locket. but I still wonder what else is going on, its not like her to leave out Master when She so pushed to be able to use it..... She mentioned unsalvageable, and I think sometimes she is right. dorei decided to give up her ageplay, for various reasons, from Consistency, to ensuring stabablity between freinds. But It may still not be enough, what has been said has been said. and as I was once told, words are like nails in a piece of wood, you say them and you drive the nail in, you apologize, you pull the nail out, at this point you can cover it, fill it, you can hide it, but no matter what its still there, and eventually enough words and nails and the woods strength falls and the wood cannot hold itself or anything else anymore. I fear that is where this is heading, dorei was angry at me for what she percieved as lieng to her, after she read the logs between stacey and I and kaza and I, she was angry becuase she felt I had hiden from her the intention to take her out of ageplay, which I think is why she made the choice. Just my humble opinon, more later as things develope (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 15th, 2004
10:40 pm	Today I have spoken to the girls, dorei still doesnt seem to understand that the fact that I keep directing things at her is because I wish to see her break some of the boundaries that she is locked inside of. She still thinks that I am attacking her, instead of tring to help her understand. Then again I may be doing this wrong as well. (2 Comments |Comment on this)